49. Solve Conflicts in 5 Steps
No one wants conflicts. Nobody wants to argue. And yet, they often happen. Is it a mistake in our DNA? Is it inherent to being human? Do there always have to be arguments and conflicts? Or can we rise above ourselves and solve conflicts?
How do conflicts develop?
It’s very easy to get into an argument with someone. You only have to use the wrong words or make an awkward decision and wham! It all escalates! Arguments always result from red buttons being pushed. A red button is a sensitive area, one in which you easily feel attacked. For example, that you aren’t a good mother/father, or that you are dumb. As long as you haven’t dealt with the red button, any comment pointing in that direction can hurt. Those comments are like a bolt of lightning in you and create a counter reaction. Either you retreat into yourself or you blurt out a heated reaction. Either way, the conflict has become reality.
The worst kind of conflicts are “underlying conflicts”. All kinds of things are going on but are not spoken about. This often happens in groups of people who do not communicate openly with each other, such as families or organizations. Conversations in a group consist of small talk and everything is fine. But afterwards, the telephone conversations follow about who said what and how terrible that was. What’s underneath becomes visible through gossip and malice. In relationships, it often happens that the partners don’t talk with each other but ventilate with a friend. And then you choose a friend who will always say you’re right! By doing this, you are distancing yourself from your partner. Divorces result because partners slowly drift away from each other and don’t really talk anymore. They become set in their own viewpoints. This process takes years. If it isn’t stopped, it eventually leads to an aimless co-existence or a divorce.
The steel wool wall
If an underlying conflict develops, it seems like a wall of steel wool develops between you and the other person. You know, steel wool, like those Brillo pads. And then a 3-meter thick wall! There’s no way through it! And every attempt you make is painful, because the steel wool feels like barbed wire. Get through it? No way! And you give up before getting started. The only possibility is to summon all of your courage and use your heart to melt the steel wool wall!
To deal with a conflict, you need heroic courage. It demands a lot of bravery. And the ability to get over your own hurt ego. Because, yes, you feel pain, and yes, you are hurt. And the other person caused that. But as long as you hold onto that, the conflict can’t be solved. It demands all of the courage you have inside of you to get over your own hurt and to take the first step. Whether it was the other person’s fault or not.
How do you deal with the conflict?
If you have a conflict with someone, there are five steps you can take to solve it:
- Feel how hurt you are and guide yourself through your pain (MIR-Method or friend).
- Feel deeply, profoundly inside how much you love the other person.
- Tell the other person that you love him or her.
- Listen to the emotions of the other person; leave your emotions out of it for now.
- Ask the other person what he/she needs to restore your connection.
Yes, you are completely focused on the other person and you are the only one who sees your own hurt emotions. By doing this, you are stepping over your own ego. Not until the other person has had all the space he/she needs to talk and express himself/herself will this person be able to listen to you. And yes, the other person’s pain will touch you and yes, that will hurt again. The only thing you can do is to listen and not to react. On the surface, you will have a non-stick coating and the other person’s pain will glide off of you. It is his/her pain, not yours! And underneath all the reproaches sent your way is the other person’s pain.
Marshall Rosenberg’s nonviolent communication
If you’d like to practice this form of communication you might consider taking a workshop in “Nonviolent communication“. It is a really wonderful method where you learn to find the words to attempt such a conversation. I have personally love this method and can highly recommend it to you!
How does the MIR-Method help you with conflicts?
The MIR-Method is designed in such a way that you will rediscover the love for yourself. And loving yourself means that you set boundaries and deal with conflicts. You see that it is no longer necessary to life with grief, frustration or anger about something that is simmering underneath the surface. The MIR-Method will eventually cause a feeling inside of you of enough is enough! You can’t live any more with a conflict and will do everything possible to talk it through.
What do the 9 steps do?
The MIR-Method is directed at releasing your inner strength. It works through step 1: “Optimize acidity” and step 2: “Detox all toxicity” to cleanse your body so you have more energy. Step 5: “Supplement all shortages” helps you strengthen your energy even more with nutrients. You need energy to deal with conflicts! And a clear head!
Step 3: “Detach father. Detach mother” helps you become free from the other person you have the conflict with. When you live too much in his/her energy or are trying too hard to fulfill the other person’s expectations, you can’t solve the conflict. Detachment is essential to view the situation from a distance. When you let the other person go, you can make real contact.
Step 4: “Clear meridians” helps you to let go of the emotions the conflict is causing within you. Your grief, your painful heart, disappointment, frustration, anger, feelings of guilt, remorse, shame. All of the emotions soften, giving you more peace and space inside yourself.
With step 7: “Fulfill basic needs” you supplement the needs that help you to deal with a conflict such as “Safety”, “Security” and “Protection”. Dealing with a conflict demands heroic courage and is really scary. When you start to feel that inner security, you become braver and dare to confront it.
The other MIR-Method steps support these important steps. Finally, step 9: “Clarify mission”. With that step it becomes clear how important this person is to you. Important? Then deal with the conflict!
Energy is released after a conflict is solved
Solving a conflict and really connecting with each other again is pure gold! Were you able to get though a conflict together and are things good between you again? Then you usually have an enormous boost of energy! A huge weight falls off of your shoulders and you could sing and dance for joy! And even more encouraging: once you have become used to dealing with conflicts, it becomes easier and easier!
Does this seem familiar to you, too? Solved any conflicts recently? Please let me know about it below and whether the MIR-Method has made it easier for you to deal with conflicts!
I wish you the courage to deal with the conflicts in your life!
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P.S. Not familiar with the MIR-Method yet? Please go to the homepage. You can watch the video there and also the instruction video. Sign up for our newsletter and 6 weeks of coaching e-mails for extra support!
Yes Mireille, It is facinatingly useful to learn about Marshall Rosenbergs effective communication, which he called -Speaking in Giraf language. There will be a festival on him and his topics from 3 to 7 November this year.
Your point about the release of energy when conflict is resolved made me look even more forward to Peace Among All Beings! Just imagine our Planet and Universe…
I really need more clarification and examples on Detach Father and Mother
Dear Bala Chandran,
Thank you for being curious! You can find extra information about step 3 here. About detach mother. And about detach father.
Greetings, Mireille Mettes
Thank you for reminding me that my conflict with with my mother comes from her unhappiness which causes continual hurt and anxiety within me. I find detaching from her very very difficult even though it is a repeated cycle that has been occurring my whole life… all 63 years!! I am trying!
Just keep repeating it. It will improve the relationship with your mother, even when she has already passed away.
Thank you for trying!
Greetings, Mireille Mettes
Thanks for the link to:
Marshall Rosenberg’s nonviolent communication
very interesting and have subscribed.
Thank you for subscribing! Hope I can inspire you some more! And yes, Marhall Rosenberg’s work is fascinatingly simple, but effective!