Being laughed at is one of the worst humiliations that exists. Someone picks you out as the target of ridicule and the spectators laugh with him. They exclude you from the group. Like a pariah. Those who laugh do it out of fear of being rejected themselves. Laugh or be laughed at.
Pointing out your mistakes in front of everyone
Another form of humiliation is being spoken to about mistakes in front of others: “Why did you do so poorly on your test?” “You’re not very intelligent, are you?” And wham, you feel the humiliation. You can choose: either get mad or keep your mouth shut. Most people choose the latter: you lie low, keep your mouth shut and just try not to get noticed. If you’re smart, it’s better to get slightly lower grades. If you’re sensitive, you should keep your distance and be alone. That way, at least they can’t hurt you anymore.
Why does the bully bully?
People’s biggest fear is being excluded. What causes people to laugh at others or publically humiliate someone? Especially “publically”, because otherwise the bully has no power. And here’s the crux of the matter: a bully bullies because he feels threatened by your presence. Because you are different, because you are smarter, because you get more compliments while they are being denounced as being dumb. It hurts them when other children get new things more often, have nicer parents, etc. It irritates them that you are different, have other clothes, find other things important. They don’t understand you. For the bully who feels threatened, enough reason to attack you. I call these bullies “fear biters”, just as with frightened dogs that suddenly bite when they are afraid and feel threatened.
Why do adults bully each other?
In the adult world, bullying is just as tough but more subtle. The bully has the need to feel big because he feels small. Maybe he was once bullied himself? The adult bully pushes people down. With innocent teasing and taunting. During a party he makes a joke at someone else’s cost, sometimes to the point of mean teasing, such as accusing someone or raising suspicion about them. Characteristic is that there is a group of people who laugh with him/her, which surrounds the bully with a group that empowers him/her. It’s too much to handle for the person being bullied. It’s take it or get away from it. Sometimes an entire agency or organization functions as a bully towards people who are left out or humiliated.
The bullied person
The person being bullied often has a seriously weakened heart. You can still remember it and the feeling that you can’t trust people is written into your soul. No one is able to change your mind. Being bullied usually means suffering and never again living with an open mind. During coaching and therapy it usually becomes crystal clear just how deep the wounds of the bullied person are.
In addition, there is the group of followers. The ones who laughed together, their fingers pointed at you. Those who thought that it was funny and that you could take it. They were suddenly very quiet when the bullying was brought to light. These followers now know, as adults, what they were involved in. They realize how cowardly they were, how mean they were to make another person miserable out of fear. They could have acted differently; they just didn’t dare. Out of fear that they would become the next target. Exclude or be excluded.
And there is a third group, the bullies. People, who used to be bullies, live in pain. They know what they did; they remember it still and, deep in their hearts, are very sorry for what they did. Usually they were jealous or angry, but why exactly? It’s a part of themselves that they usually keep hidden. It is, after all, “not done” to admit that you used to be a bully. These people usually spend the rest of their lives living with a feeling of guilt. Hoping they never see their victims again. Especially not as their dentist!
Who needs to heal?
All 3 groups need healing. The bullied person, as well as the followers, as well as the bully. All three are still victims of what happened back then. Thankfully, there are many ways to heal yourself and let go of the old pain. The MIR-Method is one of those ways. When a bullied person does the MIR-Method, he erases the old pain, layer for layer. The feelings of grief, resentment and victimization disappear and the bullied person can eventually forgive the bully. That usually happens with step 3, ”Detach father. Detach mother”, when the bullied person detaches the bully out of his system. Important: if you are being bullied at the moment, the MIR-Method can help you to stop the bullying by changing you from the inside out and making you stronger!
The follower heals his shame and becomes stronger as an individual, so that being a follower is the last thing he would ever want to do again. The follower becomes insensitive to peer pressure.
The bully, lastly, heals his feelings of guilt. He can’t forgive himself or feel that the bullied person has actually long since forgiven him because the bullied person always knew already that the bully acted from his own pain and lack of power.
Your biggest fear is that you are powerful beyond measure!
“Our biggest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure!” This sentence is familiar from a beautiful poem from Marianne Williamson. And I’m beginning to understand it. When people are bullied, it’s almost impossible for them to stand in whom they are. There is too much risk. When you do the MIR-Method, you let go of your sense of danger. You begin to feel free to be smart, to be dramatic, to dance, to excel at sports, to sing freely! You dare to be different, to radiate and to take leadership! May I you ask for this dance? For the dance of your life?
Make you feel my love
The singer Adele wrote a fantastic song, “Make You Feel My Love”, that I’d like to dedicate to all bullied persons. Maybe you can feel a little bit of my love through it. That your heart, your self-confidence, your Being can heal completely! Because if you realized what’s inside of you, then you’d understand why I’m trying so hard for you!
I wish you happiness and freedom!
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