133. But I Don’t Want to Detach Myself From My Child!
If you do step 3 of the MIR-Method, “Detach father. Detach mother”, you also detach yourself from your son or daughter. “Father” symbolizes all men and boys; “Mother” stands for all women and daughters. When you read that for the first time, it’s possible that you think, “But I don’t want to detach myself from my son/daughter!” and certainly not if he/she is still a baby. Still, it’s more important than you might think.
Your expectations towards your child
Adults have expectations about their child’s future. That it will study, that it will take over the family business, that it will become an athlete like they themselves were (or weren’t). That it will be the pride of the family so parents can proudly talk about their child, because then you are a good father or mother. You can imagine that this involves a great deal of pressure to perform. Children are loyal to their parents. They want their parents’ love. So they will try to please their parents and to perform for the parents. Oh wee, if you appeared talented at anything because your parents may stimulate you in it until you can’t take any more.
Parents can make it impossible for children to develop themselves. If one of the parents has an inferiority complex, for example. You are the example to your children that it is better to conform, to let others ahead. Don’t experiment, because it can go wrong. Children can then think, “My mother didn’t dare stand up for herself so neither do I.” Or parents literally say it, for example with “We Joneses aren’t meant for great things.” “If you’re born in a barn, you weren’t meant to be rich.” And as a child, you begin to believe that and behave accordingly. When your child becomes an adult, it continues to live in that reality, even though it’s not his/her reality, but that of its father or mother. You do your child a big favor when you detach your worldview from that of your son/daughter. Then it can determine its own greatness.
Research has shown that parents expect more from the sons than their daughters. Boys are stimulated and praised more than girls. Because of this, boys tend to have a stronger sense of self-confidence than girls. In addition, girls look to their mothers as their example. However, adult women unfortunately have a lower self-image than necessary. Girls get the unfortunate double message, “You’re not as important as the boys.” “Boys are better, faster and better-looking.” “If you become a sweet mother, we’ll all be happy.”
The crazy thing about this is that girls have, on average, better school results than boys! And in business, it seems that many women are better qualified but earn less than men. How is this possible? It’s because women negotiate less about their salaries. They haven’t learned to stand up for themselves and also attribute their performance to factors outside of themselves. “I got lucky.” “Others helped me.” Where boys are more likely to say, “I was able to do it because I’m good at it.”
Leaving the house
If you do the MIR-Method, you detach the child from you, even when the child is an adult and, for example, still lives at home. You’ll notice that you accept less from your child and start to set boundaries. You might ask for a financial contribution such as food money, for example, or demand that he/she contributes to the housekeeping. The result is that a relationship develops that is based more on equality, which improves the contact between you and your child. Sometimes a child finds it easier to make the choice to leave home.
Detaching is an act of love!
In short, do step 3 to detach your children from you and they will be better able to go their own way!
Have you noticed this? That your child has changed because of you doing the MIR-Method? I’m curious! Please write about it below! Thank you!
You should always ask a MIR-Method coach about personal questions!
My wish is that you may have a healthy fine relationship with your child!
Greetings, Mireille Mettes
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P.S. Are you not yet familiar with the MIR-Method? Please go to the homepage: www.mirmethod.com. You can watch the video there and also the instruction video. Register on the homepage to receive the newsletter and 6 weeks of coaching e-mails for extra support!
I’m actually desperately struggling with the death, one and a half yeas ago, of my son. He was 20 – on the cusp of manhood. He was an amazing young man by every measure. He died suddenly from a simple virus that attacked his heart (myocarditis). I tried so carefully not to project my Self/expectations/etc. from the moment they were conceived, so in that regard I understand about letting them go to be their own people, having their own life paths. But the grief of this situation is very hard..I’ve been doing the MI R method for a few months, and read what I can find on mir and grief, but there isn’t much. Any suggestions or insights?